


Goosed

by mikkimouse



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Crack, Humor, M/M, Magical Stiles Stilinski, Wolf Derek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 03:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15282273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikkimouse/pseuds/mikkimouse
Summary: Derek could honestly say the last thing he expected to attack him while he was out in the preserve was a fuckinggoose.





	Goosed

**Author's Note:**

> So for those of you who [missed my initial](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15169835) [flailing about this](https://twitter.com/mad_madam_m/status/1010907712358674432), the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement is a "Soulmate AU where one person finds a goose who leads them to the other person. The difficulty comes in not being mauled by a goose." It originated in the Check, Please! fandom, and has since spread to others. And since two of my great loves in life are 1) soulmate fics and 2) pure unadulterated crack, you should not be surprised that I love this AU with all my heart and am proceeding to write it for _every pairing I have._ Possibly multiple times.
> 
> This particular fic is inspired by the mental image of a soulmate goose chasing wolf!Derek. Because it made me laugh for five minutes straight.
> 
> Unbeta'd.

Every night he ran the perimeter in the preserve, Derek stayed on guard for an attack. It didn't happen as much now that the Nemeton had settled, but old habits were hard to break and Beacon Hills still had more than its fair share of supernatural problems. Pixies, rogue werewolves, wendigos, trolls, other shifters...you name it, he'd seen it at least once. 

But he could honestly say the last thing he expected to attack him while he was out in the preserve was a fucking _goose_.

He'd been out running for nearly two hours, trotting along their borders and keeping his nose and ears open for any threats. He didn't sense anything, so he wrapped up his circuit and prepared to run back to his loft when he heard a _honk_. 

Derek blinked and sniffed the air. That sounded like...a goose?

He'd seen geese around some of the parks and ponds in Beacon Hills, but never this deep out in the preserve. That was strange enough, but stranger still was that he hadn't smelled the damn thing before hearing it. 

He turned to see where the goose was just in time to get a giant wing right upside his head. 

Derek yipped and growled, but that did absolutely nothing to deter the angry goose that was attacking a _fully shifted werewolf_. 

It took him three tries to get his jaws on the goose's flapping wing, but he bit down as hard as he could and threw it. Maybe if he knocked it out, he could get it to Deaton to mend the wing. 

The goose hit a nearby tree and was immediately back on its feet. Its wing didn't even look damaged. In fact, the only thing Derek seemed to have accomplished was pissing it off more. 

The goose honked, Derek _swore_ its eyes glowed orange, and it charged him. 

If there was one thing Derek had learned in the past few years, it was that there were times when he _did_ need to run from a fight. A demonic goose that hadn't even been fazed when Derek had bitten its wing hard enough to break it? 

This was something he'd need more help with. 

Derek turned tail and ran for the town, the goose honking right on his heels.

***

The goose followed him all the way into Beacon Hills and, even more worrying, it had no trouble keeping up with him. Derek _knew_ geese were fast, but even they couldn't be as fast as a werewolf running in a full-out sprint. Either he had been wrong about geese, or this one really _was_ some kind of supernatural goose.

Derek turned down the next street and ran straight for the Stilinski house. If anybody could help him contain the goose and figure out what to do next, it would be Stiles. 

He hadn't even made it halfway down the block before he heard the sounds of outraged honking and Stiles alternating between swearing and shouting in distress. 

Derek put on an extra burst of speed he didn't know he had and bolted for Stiles. He was in trouble; he'd need Derek's help, he was—

He was _also_ being attacked by a goose. 

Stiles was wielding his baseball bat, although judging by the rips in his clothes and the bruises on his face, it hadn't done a great job of protecting him.

The goose lunged and Stiles smacked it with the bat. "Get the fuck away from me, demon bird!" 

Derek howled and darted between them, planting himself in front of Stiles with a threatening growl. If this goose was as sturdy as the other one, there wasn't a _lot_ he could do, but he wasn't going to let it hurt Stiles anymore. 

The goose looked from Derek to Stiles and back again, then plopped itself on the ground with a honk. A second later, Derek's goose attacker flew up and settled next to the other one. Derek looked between the two and growled, but neither reacted.

Seriously, what the _hell_. 

"I've never been so grateful to see you, big guy," Stiles said.

Derek snorted and smacked Stiles in the leg with his tail. 

Stiles stepped out from behind him and walked slowly forward, but neither of geese made another move. They did, however, keep watching them with beady, vaguely glowing eyes. 

Derek needed vocal cords for this. He shifted back. "What the hell happened?" 

Stiles flailed and nearly dropped his bat, and then clapped his free hand over his eyes. "Holy shit, dude, seriously? No clothes or anything?" 

Derek rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Is that really what you're worried about right now?" 

"I can't deal with random fucking geese _and_ you being naked." Stiles gestured at him with the bat. "Go inside and put something on. You know where my sweats are." 

Derek sighed and made it three steps toward the front door when a goose honked and bit his calf. " _Ow!_ "

The goose bit at him again, and Derek stumbled backward, dodging its beak. It didn't stop attacking him until he was standing by Stiles again. 

"it's not letting me go inside," Derek said. 

Stiles groaned. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. _I'll_ go. You keep an eye on those two fuckers." 

Three steps toward the front door, the other goose charged at Stiles and chased him back to Derek. 

Stiles blinked down at them, then back at Derek. "What the fuck?" 

"Why do you think I know?" Derek asked. "That one came out of nowhere while I was running the perimeter. I threw it into a tree and that didn't even faze it." 

Stiles opened his mouth, looked at the geese, and then closed it again. "Oh. Uh, by any chance, was that about twenty minutes ago?" 

Derek shrugged. "Probably. It's not like I had a watch on." 

"Oh," Stiles said again, only _this_ time he sounded guilty. 

That wasn't good. Derek turned to him. " _Stiles_." 

"So, _to be fair_ , I had no idea this would happen." 

" _Stiles!_ " 

Stiles winced. "Okay, so there's a small chance I've been looking through those books Deaton gave me so I can try out new spells." 

Derek knew that. Everybody knew that. Stiles's magical ability had only grown since he'd graduated high school, and his insatiable curiosity was half the reason they had more magical wards around the town than they'd had even when Derek's parents were around. "And?" 

"And I've gone through most of the protection and healing spells and I wanted to try something new, so I, uh, found this one that looked pretty easy and sounded kind of interesting." Stiles toed the ground. "It's supposed to summon an animal guide to lead you to your soulmate." 

Derek stared at him for a solid twenty seconds, trying to process just what the hell he meant. "And you summoned a _goose_?" 

"I didn't mean to summon a goose!" Stiles flailed. "It's supposed to be an animal guide that most closely matches your soul." 

Derek stared at the geese. "Of course you summoned a goose." 

Stiles punched him in the arm. "I summoned _geese_ , asshole."

Derek continued eyeing the geese. One had been summoned for Stiles, but the other one was apparently his. "I'm guessing that makes two of us. Asshole." 

Stiles rubbed the back of his neck and gave a laugh. "Yeah, probably." 

"So," Derek put the _soulmate_ part of that equation back in a box to deal with later, "how do we make the geese go away?" 

Stiles didn't respond for long enough that Derek wondered if he'd even heard the question. 

"The animal guides don't vanish until the soulmates acknowledge each other and kiss," Stiles mumbled. 

Derek raised his eyebrows. "We have to _kiss_? What happens if we don't?" 

Stiles gestured at the geese with his bat. "I'm guessing the geese stay here and make our lives miserable until we do. The spell was noticeably _non_ specific on whether they'd go away without the kiss." 

Derek rubbed his hands over his face. It's not that he wasn't attracted to Stiles; he _was_ , and had been for longer than he wanted to admit. But it wasn't something he'd ever intended to act on. Stiles was in college, meeting people, getting away from the town and doing so much better than he had in high school. Derek didn't want to be a weight dragging him back when he had so many other places he could go. 

But...

He looked at the geese, which were watching both of them with a steady orange gaze. _Soulmates_ , Stiles had said. 

Maybe he wasn't a weight dragging Stiles back here. Maybe they were both anchors, keeping the other tethered when otherwise they'd be adrift and alone. 

"Do you want to kiss me?" Derek asked. 

Stiles didn't look at him, and his scent spiked confusingly. "I don't think that matters." 

Derek frowned. "Of course it matters. I'm not going to kiss you without your permission."

"But I'm the one who summoned the geese!" Stiles said. "I summoned the geese and one attacked you and brought you here and didn't even give you a _choice_. At least I had a choice because I'm the one who read the damn spell and went 'oh, hey, this sounds like a _great_ idea, let's do it' and I didn't even—" 

"Stiles!" Derek snapped before he could get further down the path of self-recrimination. "Do you want to kiss me?" 

"Okay, well, from a purely theoretical perspective, yes, I—" 

_Yes_ was good enough for him. Derek cupped the back of Stiles's head, pulled him close, and kissed him.

He couldn't lie; he'd fantasized more than once about shutting Stiles up like this, about pressing their lips together and feeling Stiles's never-ending stream of words stutter to a halt while their mouths were occupied with more important things. But the real thing was even better, because fantasies couldn't account for Stiles's taste, couldn't account for the softness of his lips or the way his scent changed yet again, melting into something warm and homey. 

It took only a second for Stiles to stop trying to talk and start kissing Derek back, shoving both his hands into Derek's hair like he wanted to cling there for the rest of the night. Derek was very much okay with that. 

When they finally stopped kissing, Derek looked up to see that the geese had vanished. "It worked."

Stiles blinked at him dazedly. "What worked?" 

Derek nodded at the empty patch of lawn where the geese had been sitting moments before. 

"Oh!" Stiles scrubbed his hands over his face. "Oh, thank God. I was beginning to think my goose would be following me back to college." 

Derek touched his hand. "So...soulmates?" 

Stiles looked up at him, amber eyes unusually serious. "Looks like it. Are you...okay with that?" 

"Yes." 

"I—" Stiles blinked at him. "That's it?"

"It was a yes or no question," Derek pointed out. 

"Well, _yeah_ , but—" Stiles waved his hand at the lawn. " _Geese_."

"The geese don't have anything to do with it," Derek said. "I've liked you for a long time. I'm okay with it. Are you?" 

Because that was the sticking point. Even if he was okay with it, he really wasn't sure if Stiles was. The kiss made him hope _yes_ , but Derek knew all too well how kisses could lie. 

Stiles's lips turned up in the smallest, most genuine smile. "Yeah. I...I was kind of hoping it would be you. But I didn't think I'd be that lucky." 

Derek took Stiles's hand and pulled him close again. "Looks like you were." 

Stiles actually grinned at that. 

Derek leaned in to kiss him again, but Stiles put a hand on his chest to stop him. Derek looked down at his hand, back at Stiles, and raised his eyebrows. 

"Dude, there's one thing you've got to do before we get back to the kissing," Stiles said. 

"Yes?" Derek asked slowly. 

"Please, _please_ , for the love of God...put on some pants."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](https://mad-madam-m.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mad_madam_m)!


End file.
